Como luceros fríos

Sobre el olivar hay un cielo hundido y una lluvia oscura de luceros fríos.

11 February, 2008

I didn't use my inhaler today. PRO: I am not trembling and I don't feel like self-injuring. CON: I am constantly out of breath and coughing, to the point where it's making teaching harder. And it makes me feel tired.

My mother sent me a Valentine's Day card, which makes me feel pathetic and angry. Inside, she wrote "[my name], I really miss you! What is going on in your world?" I wonder if she has any idea how much I wanted to hear those words when I was 10. 13. 16. 19. I was begging for her to ask me what was going on. I needed it so much.

Dear Mom,

When your daughter suddenly stops smiling, something is wrong. I have seen our family photo album with its pictures of me. Once I hit 9, I didn't smile anymore. I didn't stand near any of you anymore, or touch you. When your child elects to go clothes shopping rather than stay home alone with one parent, something is wrong. When your outgoing child is suddenly fearful and inhibited, something is wrong. Also, I should not have to be telling you that when your husband pulls out a gun from the closet and threatens to shoot himself with it, the correct course of action is not to wait until he wanders off to drink some more and then aim it at the wall and attempt to fire several times it to see if it's loaded. You especially should not do this in front of your two children. They might not understand what you are doing and could quite possibly think you are going to shoot everyone in the house. Your daughter is never old enough to be your confidant about her father's alcoholism. Your daughter should not have to witness you packing a suitcase, especially if you don't fucking intend to actually use it to get her out of there. I don't care if you were afraid or hurting or any of those things. When it was over you could have gotten us help and you didn't. You never did. At your mother's funeral, you turned to me and cried and said, "I had the best mother." Do you know why I cried then? It wasn't because I was sad about her. It was because I knew that when you die, I will never be able to turn to anyone and say that about you. You should have had an abortion, finished college, and moved the fuck away from West Virginia and my father.


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